I've been reading about the effects of stroke and understand what's happened to my mother. Her symptoms are consistent, she suffered some brain damage that can be repaired with therapy.
My sister and I had a talk this morning about the changes I've had since my accident. I suffered some brain damage too. I have laid ceramic tile since I was a kid helping my father. I got a job installing a small bathroom shower and floor last year. It took me a week to complete it when it would normally be about three days. I can still do it but I get mixed up, lose my tools and can't focus on the job at hand.
I also remodeled Mom's bathroom and bedroom after her first stroke. I would start several things at once and couldn't complete any of them. I have started projects all around our home leaving tools scattered everywhere. It is a problem. I truly feel like my brain is functioning perfectly, but it isn't. I seem normal to most people around me but I still get whacky ideas that seem to come from nowhere.
People wonder why I don't go find a regular job, one where I just don't need to stand. The truth is, I'm way more screwed up in my head than I can explain. I don't know why I felt the need to expose myself to everyone during my hospital stay, but I did that. I now realize that I did it, but it sure doesn't sound anything like me. I don't trust myself because I don't even know what I'm going to say or do next. I'm not a complete whacko and most people would never know that there is something wrong. I speak clearly and can argue a point with anyone....but I'm not right in the head either.
7/31/15
7/24/15
Really, You Just Said That?
Today I was at "Healthsouth" visiting Mom. I stepped outside to smoke and a lady I had seen several times wheeled outside in a wheelchair excited to talk with me again. She's 88 yrs. old and we've talked several times. She's a sweet old lady that likes to talk a lot.
Today she was happy and explaining that she's about to go home. Therapy almost complete! She was telling me about a nice Korean woman that has really helped her in many ways during therapy. I wheeled her down the hill congratulating her for her progress. At the pavillion, we talked a while when she confided in me that the "fat little nigger woman" was the most help she'd had. I went around that phrase and told her that people are here to help you recover. Once she was comfortable saying it around me, she just kept calling her caretakers niggers.
I asked her, if you were blind...Who would you want to care for you? "That fat little nigger woman!" was her response. I told her that I was going inside and I didn't think it was right for her to feel that way about anyone who showed her love and care. I left her at the bottom of the hill in her wheelchair, waiting for help from the people that she obviously felt above. Soured my opinion of sweet old ladies.
Today she was happy and explaining that she's about to go home. Therapy almost complete! She was telling me about a nice Korean woman that has really helped her in many ways during therapy. I wheeled her down the hill congratulating her for her progress. At the pavillion, we talked a while when she confided in me that the "fat little nigger woman" was the most help she'd had. I went around that phrase and told her that people are here to help you recover. Once she was comfortable saying it around me, she just kept calling her caretakers niggers.
I asked her, if you were blind...Who would you want to care for you? "That fat little nigger woman!" was her response. I told her that I was going inside and I didn't think it was right for her to feel that way about anyone who showed her love and care. I left her at the bottom of the hill in her wheelchair, waiting for help from the people that she obviously felt above. Soured my opinion of sweet old ladies.
7/19/15
My Mother Is.....
She's the meanest person I've ever known. She's also one of the sweetest! Last survivor of ten siblings and at any time she would have traded places with them to extend their lives. She hasn't had many health issues but she's getting old and worn down as well.
She has had some tough times too. She had both knees replaced about 15 years ago. She's 75 yrs old and she still wants to help other people. That's my Mom.
I mentioned her mean streak...I know she stabbed a classmate in the leg. She defended me directly to the sheriff, and after being called to my school, they decided that it was better to suspend me than to talk to Mom. She's been ruthless!
In Illinois, she's dealt with bullies and prejudice because of her family name. She would still shoot anyone who calls her a "dirty Durbin!" She has no tolerance for that...at..all!
In the same breath, it has got to be said that Mom has done her best to provide and comfort others. She's helped people that were mean to her and her family. She forgives people even if they don't deserve it.
Mom is the person that I most closely resemble and yet she believes that I loved my father more than her. She's more role model than she'll ever know. We get old and we die....but she set an example that I can't replicate. Outlive everyone!
She has had some tough times too. She had both knees replaced about 15 years ago. She's 75 yrs old and she still wants to help other people. That's my Mom.
I mentioned her mean streak...I know she stabbed a classmate in the leg. She defended me directly to the sheriff, and after being called to my school, they decided that it was better to suspend me than to talk to Mom. She's been ruthless!
In Illinois, she's dealt with bullies and prejudice because of her family name. She would still shoot anyone who calls her a "dirty Durbin!" She has no tolerance for that...at..all!
In the same breath, it has got to be said that Mom has done her best to provide and comfort others. She's helped people that were mean to her and her family. She forgives people even if they don't deserve it.
Mom is the person that I most closely resemble and yet she believes that I loved my father more than her. She's more role model than she'll ever know. We get old and we die....but she set an example that I can't replicate. Outlive everyone!
7/17/15
Doctor Leder and the Battlebots
Humana is a big conglomerate that enjoys the ability to approve or deny any benefits that suits its bottom line. It is simply about profits. Their healthcare is not in the business of caring.
The Physical Therapy (PT) ladies told me that Dr. Leder was fighting the insurance co. on Mom's behalf. I believed them but I didn't think he could do anything about it. In addition, I also heard that all three doctors were angry about it. Dr. Leder, Dr. Shedden and Dr. Hussein are her doctors. Shedden is well known and respected. I don't think Mom even likes any of them.
After this second stroke, Dr. Leder was the one who came to Becky and I explaining that Mom probably had CAA. Her strokes are actually bleeding from the brain tissue, not veins surrounding it and there is no known way to prevent it from happening again. There is a high likelihood that it may continue to happen but she may never have another one too. Her blood pressure isn't high so they don't expect a recurrence.
A couple of days ago I was visibly angry about the insurance company refusing care, post brain surgery. Dr. Leder talked to me out in the hallway. He saw me struggle to walk and I told him that she will not return to a nursing home where anyone can mistreat her. I said that I'll take care of her no matter what happens. I already didn't believe that Humana would help Mom at all. I was right because they refused her any assistance unless she went back to the same people that mistreated her before. I told him that I will wrestle her around and modesty be damned...help her use the bathroom. That's my mother, I'll take care of her just like she's always done for me!
I didn't think a doctor cared unless it benefited their pocketbook. I was wrong. With the support of the other doctors, Dr. Leder got Mom into an intense therapy care that is usually reserved for wealthy folks. She may improve and have it all happen again...but he stood up for Mom and she wasn't shoveled aside because she's old. That's the kind of person I respect and admire...and aspire to be. That's a good guy!
Thanks Dr. Leder, neurologist of the slightly psycho!
The Physical Therapy (PT) ladies told me that Dr. Leder was fighting the insurance co. on Mom's behalf. I believed them but I didn't think he could do anything about it. In addition, I also heard that all three doctors were angry about it. Dr. Leder, Dr. Shedden and Dr. Hussein are her doctors. Shedden is well known and respected. I don't think Mom even likes any of them.
After this second stroke, Dr. Leder was the one who came to Becky and I explaining that Mom probably had CAA. Her strokes are actually bleeding from the brain tissue, not veins surrounding it and there is no known way to prevent it from happening again. There is a high likelihood that it may continue to happen but she may never have another one too. Her blood pressure isn't high so they don't expect a recurrence.
A couple of days ago I was visibly angry about the insurance company refusing care, post brain surgery. Dr. Leder talked to me out in the hallway. He saw me struggle to walk and I told him that she will not return to a nursing home where anyone can mistreat her. I said that I'll take care of her no matter what happens. I already didn't believe that Humana would help Mom at all. I was right because they refused her any assistance unless she went back to the same people that mistreated her before. I told him that I will wrestle her around and modesty be damned...help her use the bathroom. That's my mother, I'll take care of her just like she's always done for me!
I didn't think a doctor cared unless it benefited their pocketbook. I was wrong. With the support of the other doctors, Dr. Leder got Mom into an intense therapy care that is usually reserved for wealthy folks. She may improve and have it all happen again...but he stood up for Mom and she wasn't shoveled aside because she's old. That's the kind of person I respect and admire...and aspire to be. That's a good guy!
Thanks Dr. Leder, neurologist of the slightly psycho!
7/14/15
A Very Weird Day
This morning I awoke at daylight again. I sat up in bed and opened the blinds. The neighbor was in her backyard completely nude. She's not real pretty but she's got a smoking hot body. When I realized that she wasn't wearing anything, I shut the blinds because I'm sure she didn't realize that anyone could see her. There is a seven foot privacy fence around their backyard but my trailer window is just above it. I felt like an unintentional peeping Tom. She's probably about 25-30, much too young for me to be wanting.
I got dressed and went to get a glass of tea and noticed my chihuahua didn't greet me this morning. I got some caffeine and wandered around calling him. He was nowhere to be found. I got in the car and drove around to his usual places searching for him. No luck in the car, so I strolled down the street calling his name. I couldn't find him and was worried that Animal Control might have picked him up.
When I got back home, I heard his bark. I waddled across the yard and found him in the arms of the neighbor on their front steps. She was in a robe now and brought him to the edge of the yard telling me how cute he was. I said that he's got fleas and explained that he thinks he's Houdini. She handed him to me and shook her robe to shake off any fleas, showing me her exposed body again through the opening of her robe. That's when I realized that she doesn't mind anyone seeing her naked. I thanked her for returning Chongo and brought him home.
I started looking for how he had escaped, found the spot and patched it up. I went back in my trailer and checked email and facebook. I opened the blinds again and there she was, in all her glory without the robe again! I decided that if she enjoyed being on display, I don't mind seeing it, so I left the blinds open. I turn 51 today and appreciate seeing a nice little body without trying to jump her bones. Nice...and she doesn't even know it's my birthday!
I got dressed and went to get a glass of tea and noticed my chihuahua didn't greet me this morning. I got some caffeine and wandered around calling him. He was nowhere to be found. I got in the car and drove around to his usual places searching for him. No luck in the car, so I strolled down the street calling his name. I couldn't find him and was worried that Animal Control might have picked him up.
When I got back home, I heard his bark. I waddled across the yard and found him in the arms of the neighbor on their front steps. She was in a robe now and brought him to the edge of the yard telling me how cute he was. I said that he's got fleas and explained that he thinks he's Houdini. She handed him to me and shook her robe to shake off any fleas, showing me her exposed body again through the opening of her robe. That's when I realized that she doesn't mind anyone seeing her naked. I thanked her for returning Chongo and brought him home.
I started looking for how he had escaped, found the spot and patched it up. I went back in my trailer and checked email and facebook. I opened the blinds again and there she was, in all her glory without the robe again! I decided that if she enjoyed being on display, I don't mind seeing it, so I left the blinds open. I turn 51 today and appreciate seeing a nice little body without trying to jump her bones. Nice...and she doesn't even know it's my birthday!
7/7/15
My Outlet
My life changed on 8/10/2013. I got up in the middle of the night, drunken sleepwalking in an unfamiliar house and fell from the second floor down to the base of the stairs. I broke my left wrist, got a plate in my left elbow, broke
the ball off the top of my left thigh, split my skull open and two nine inch pins in
my hip. I was in a coma for five days and barely remember the hospital stay. I completely accept responsibility and blame nobody else.
Two years later, I'm disabled. I struggle just to waddle around the yard and some days, I'm not able to do much at all. Supporting my own weight with my left leg is always a challenge. On bad days, I am confined to my house camped out in front of my computer. If I'm on Facebook posting an unusual amount, I'm having a (physically) very painful day.
Since I rarely leave the house, the way I communicate with friends is generally on Facebook. I get about 5 phone calls per month from friends so I hardly get to talk to anyone except my sister and Mom. I've always been the type to speak my mind and always liked to talk. I don't have that option much anymore. Online communication is my only outlet.
If you don't like my personality online, you don't like me. What you see is what you get, I'm the same asshole in person. It's fine for someone to "unfriend" me on FB. If you don't like what I post, it's OK to remove me from your friends list. I know that I rant sometimes, especially when my body is hurting like hell. Forgive me if I ramble too much, it's how I get to talk to my friends.
Two years later, I'm disabled. I struggle just to waddle around the yard and some days, I'm not able to do much at all. Supporting my own weight with my left leg is always a challenge. On bad days, I am confined to my house camped out in front of my computer. If I'm on Facebook posting an unusual amount, I'm having a (physically) very painful day.
Since I rarely leave the house, the way I communicate with friends is generally on Facebook. I get about 5 phone calls per month from friends so I hardly get to talk to anyone except my sister and Mom. I've always been the type to speak my mind and always liked to talk. I don't have that option much anymore. Online communication is my only outlet.
If you don't like my personality online, you don't like me. What you see is what you get, I'm the same asshole in person. It's fine for someone to "unfriend" me on FB. If you don't like what I post, it's OK to remove me from your friends list. I know that I rant sometimes, especially when my body is hurting like hell. Forgive me if I ramble too much, it's how I get to talk to my friends.
7/2/15
STFU Already
The debate over the confederate battle flag has gone on too long. Nobody said that you will not be allowed to fly it. No, you can't fly it on Lincoln's tomb. Quit fucking whining about it. If you want to paint it on your car, go for it! I'll support and defend your right to do that.
I don't care if you call it heritage or southern pride, or even believe that the civil war was about northern aggression or fighting government tyranny. For nearly 100 years, (circa 1948) that flag was rarely even seen until Strom Thurmond and the Dixiecrat movement fought against desegregation. It was adopted by the KKK to represent white supremacy. People weren't flying the stars and bars to honor fallen heroes of the civil war, it was to show that they supported keeping the races separate.
If I see the confederate flag flown anywhere, I immediately assume that they don't like colored people. The reason I assume that, is because it's highly accurate. I understand that some people aren't old enough to remember it being a symbol of racism but I remember. Young people have seen it on The Dukes of Hazzard's General Lee...it wasn't used as a racist symbol anymore.
Look up the "cornerstone speech" if you think the civil war was about state rights. Read Texas' Ordinance of Succession if you still aren't convinced. During the civil rights movement, racists everywhere started flying that flag...not for fallen heroes but to display their racist feeling. If you are proud of that heritage, feel free to fly it. If I see it, it will only support my belief that racism lives on in America. Don't try to say that I'm ignorant of history when I know exactly what that flag meant.
I don't care if you call it heritage or southern pride, or even believe that the civil war was about northern aggression or fighting government tyranny. For nearly 100 years, (circa 1948) that flag was rarely even seen until Strom Thurmond and the Dixiecrat movement fought against desegregation. It was adopted by the KKK to represent white supremacy. People weren't flying the stars and bars to honor fallen heroes of the civil war, it was to show that they supported keeping the races separate.
If I see the confederate flag flown anywhere, I immediately assume that they don't like colored people. The reason I assume that, is because it's highly accurate. I understand that some people aren't old enough to remember it being a symbol of racism but I remember. Young people have seen it on The Dukes of Hazzard's General Lee...it wasn't used as a racist symbol anymore.
Look up the "cornerstone speech" if you think the civil war was about state rights. Read Texas' Ordinance of Succession if you still aren't convinced. During the civil rights movement, racists everywhere started flying that flag...not for fallen heroes but to display their racist feeling. If you are proud of that heritage, feel free to fly it. If I see it, it will only support my belief that racism lives on in America. Don't try to say that I'm ignorant of history when I know exactly what that flag meant.
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