I understand respecting an old person's wishes much better now. Dad didn't want to be on life support, even when I wanted him to get better, it wasn't happening. If Mom cannot get her mobility back, she doesn't want to be confined to a bed or chair. There is no point when you are comfortable with mortality of a loved one. Mom still has a good chance of returning to her normal self.
Blood clots and brain bleeds are not a good combination. She can't take blood thinners to break up her blood clots because they could cause her another stroke. Her left leg is barely respondent and her left arm is still flaccid. She can't get up and go to the bathroom without help. She's miserable and has told Becky that she would rather die. She actually asked Becky to shoot her.
Mother is modest and she isn't happy about me having to help her to the comode. I've had to help her stand while she's being bathed too. Neither of us wanted it to get like this but we're trying to get past it. I don't know if she's going to keep trying to get better. She's a tough old gal but I don't know when it's time to give up. I respect her and don't want her to suffer needlessly but I don't want her to give up when she might live a normal life again either.
Whatever Mom wants is more important to me than morality of anyone else. I love my mother and truly wish she was in good health. I don't know what's going to happen but I swear I'm going to respect anything my mother decides.
8/18/15
7/31/15
Normal?
I've been reading about the effects of stroke and understand what's happened to my mother. Her symptoms are consistent, she suffered some brain damage that can be repaired with therapy.
My sister and I had a talk this morning about the changes I've had since my accident. I suffered some brain damage too. I have laid ceramic tile since I was a kid helping my father. I got a job installing a small bathroom shower and floor last year. It took me a week to complete it when it would normally be about three days. I can still do it but I get mixed up, lose my tools and can't focus on the job at hand.
I also remodeled Mom's bathroom and bedroom after her first stroke. I would start several things at once and couldn't complete any of them. I have started projects all around our home leaving tools scattered everywhere. It is a problem. I truly feel like my brain is functioning perfectly, but it isn't. I seem normal to most people around me but I still get whacky ideas that seem to come from nowhere.
People wonder why I don't go find a regular job, one where I just don't need to stand. The truth is, I'm way more screwed up in my head than I can explain. I don't know why I felt the need to expose myself to everyone during my hospital stay, but I did that. I now realize that I did it, but it sure doesn't sound anything like me. I don't trust myself because I don't even know what I'm going to say or do next. I'm not a complete whacko and most people would never know that there is something wrong. I speak clearly and can argue a point with anyone....but I'm not right in the head either.
My sister and I had a talk this morning about the changes I've had since my accident. I suffered some brain damage too. I have laid ceramic tile since I was a kid helping my father. I got a job installing a small bathroom shower and floor last year. It took me a week to complete it when it would normally be about three days. I can still do it but I get mixed up, lose my tools and can't focus on the job at hand.
I also remodeled Mom's bathroom and bedroom after her first stroke. I would start several things at once and couldn't complete any of them. I have started projects all around our home leaving tools scattered everywhere. It is a problem. I truly feel like my brain is functioning perfectly, but it isn't. I seem normal to most people around me but I still get whacky ideas that seem to come from nowhere.
People wonder why I don't go find a regular job, one where I just don't need to stand. The truth is, I'm way more screwed up in my head than I can explain. I don't know why I felt the need to expose myself to everyone during my hospital stay, but I did that. I now realize that I did it, but it sure doesn't sound anything like me. I don't trust myself because I don't even know what I'm going to say or do next. I'm not a complete whacko and most people would never know that there is something wrong. I speak clearly and can argue a point with anyone....but I'm not right in the head either.
7/24/15
Really, You Just Said That?
Today I was at "Healthsouth" visiting Mom. I stepped outside to smoke and a lady I had seen several times wheeled outside in a wheelchair excited to talk with me again. She's 88 yrs. old and we've talked several times. She's a sweet old lady that likes to talk a lot.
Today she was happy and explaining that she's about to go home. Therapy almost complete! She was telling me about a nice Korean woman that has really helped her in many ways during therapy. I wheeled her down the hill congratulating her for her progress. At the pavillion, we talked a while when she confided in me that the "fat little nigger woman" was the most help she'd had. I went around that phrase and told her that people are here to help you recover. Once she was comfortable saying it around me, she just kept calling her caretakers niggers.
I asked her, if you were blind...Who would you want to care for you? "That fat little nigger woman!" was her response. I told her that I was going inside and I didn't think it was right for her to feel that way about anyone who showed her love and care. I left her at the bottom of the hill in her wheelchair, waiting for help from the people that she obviously felt above. Soured my opinion of sweet old ladies.
Today she was happy and explaining that she's about to go home. Therapy almost complete! She was telling me about a nice Korean woman that has really helped her in many ways during therapy. I wheeled her down the hill congratulating her for her progress. At the pavillion, we talked a while when she confided in me that the "fat little nigger woman" was the most help she'd had. I went around that phrase and told her that people are here to help you recover. Once she was comfortable saying it around me, she just kept calling her caretakers niggers.
I asked her, if you were blind...Who would you want to care for you? "That fat little nigger woman!" was her response. I told her that I was going inside and I didn't think it was right for her to feel that way about anyone who showed her love and care. I left her at the bottom of the hill in her wheelchair, waiting for help from the people that she obviously felt above. Soured my opinion of sweet old ladies.
7/19/15
My Mother Is.....
She's the meanest person I've ever known. She's also one of the sweetest! Last survivor of ten siblings and at any time she would have traded places with them to extend their lives. She hasn't had many health issues but she's getting old and worn down as well.
She has had some tough times too. She had both knees replaced about 15 years ago. She's 75 yrs old and she still wants to help other people. That's my Mom.
I mentioned her mean streak...I know she stabbed a classmate in the leg. She defended me directly to the sheriff, and after being called to my school, they decided that it was better to suspend me than to talk to Mom. She's been ruthless!
In Illinois, she's dealt with bullies and prejudice because of her family name. She would still shoot anyone who calls her a "dirty Durbin!" She has no tolerance for that...at..all!
In the same breath, it has got to be said that Mom has done her best to provide and comfort others. She's helped people that were mean to her and her family. She forgives people even if they don't deserve it.
Mom is the person that I most closely resemble and yet she believes that I loved my father more than her. She's more role model than she'll ever know. We get old and we die....but she set an example that I can't replicate. Outlive everyone!
She has had some tough times too. She had both knees replaced about 15 years ago. She's 75 yrs old and she still wants to help other people. That's my Mom.
I mentioned her mean streak...I know she stabbed a classmate in the leg. She defended me directly to the sheriff, and after being called to my school, they decided that it was better to suspend me than to talk to Mom. She's been ruthless!
In Illinois, she's dealt with bullies and prejudice because of her family name. She would still shoot anyone who calls her a "dirty Durbin!" She has no tolerance for that...at..all!
In the same breath, it has got to be said that Mom has done her best to provide and comfort others. She's helped people that were mean to her and her family. She forgives people even if they don't deserve it.
Mom is the person that I most closely resemble and yet she believes that I loved my father more than her. She's more role model than she'll ever know. We get old and we die....but she set an example that I can't replicate. Outlive everyone!
7/17/15
Doctor Leder and the Battlebots
Humana is a big conglomerate that enjoys the ability to approve or deny any benefits that suits its bottom line. It is simply about profits. Their healthcare is not in the business of caring.
The Physical Therapy (PT) ladies told me that Dr. Leder was fighting the insurance co. on Mom's behalf. I believed them but I didn't think he could do anything about it. In addition, I also heard that all three doctors were angry about it. Dr. Leder, Dr. Shedden and Dr. Hussein are her doctors. Shedden is well known and respected. I don't think Mom even likes any of them.
After this second stroke, Dr. Leder was the one who came to Becky and I explaining that Mom probably had CAA. Her strokes are actually bleeding from the brain tissue, not veins surrounding it and there is no known way to prevent it from happening again. There is a high likelihood that it may continue to happen but she may never have another one too. Her blood pressure isn't high so they don't expect a recurrence.
A couple of days ago I was visibly angry about the insurance company refusing care, post brain surgery. Dr. Leder talked to me out in the hallway. He saw me struggle to walk and I told him that she will not return to a nursing home where anyone can mistreat her. I said that I'll take care of her no matter what happens. I already didn't believe that Humana would help Mom at all. I was right because they refused her any assistance unless she went back to the same people that mistreated her before. I told him that I will wrestle her around and modesty be damned...help her use the bathroom. That's my mother, I'll take care of her just like she's always done for me!
I didn't think a doctor cared unless it benefited their pocketbook. I was wrong. With the support of the other doctors, Dr. Leder got Mom into an intense therapy care that is usually reserved for wealthy folks. She may improve and have it all happen again...but he stood up for Mom and she wasn't shoveled aside because she's old. That's the kind of person I respect and admire...and aspire to be. That's a good guy!
Thanks Dr. Leder, neurologist of the slightly psycho!
The Physical Therapy (PT) ladies told me that Dr. Leder was fighting the insurance co. on Mom's behalf. I believed them but I didn't think he could do anything about it. In addition, I also heard that all three doctors were angry about it. Dr. Leder, Dr. Shedden and Dr. Hussein are her doctors. Shedden is well known and respected. I don't think Mom even likes any of them.
After this second stroke, Dr. Leder was the one who came to Becky and I explaining that Mom probably had CAA. Her strokes are actually bleeding from the brain tissue, not veins surrounding it and there is no known way to prevent it from happening again. There is a high likelihood that it may continue to happen but she may never have another one too. Her blood pressure isn't high so they don't expect a recurrence.
A couple of days ago I was visibly angry about the insurance company refusing care, post brain surgery. Dr. Leder talked to me out in the hallway. He saw me struggle to walk and I told him that she will not return to a nursing home where anyone can mistreat her. I said that I'll take care of her no matter what happens. I already didn't believe that Humana would help Mom at all. I was right because they refused her any assistance unless she went back to the same people that mistreated her before. I told him that I will wrestle her around and modesty be damned...help her use the bathroom. That's my mother, I'll take care of her just like she's always done for me!
I didn't think a doctor cared unless it benefited their pocketbook. I was wrong. With the support of the other doctors, Dr. Leder got Mom into an intense therapy care that is usually reserved for wealthy folks. She may improve and have it all happen again...but he stood up for Mom and she wasn't shoveled aside because she's old. That's the kind of person I respect and admire...and aspire to be. That's a good guy!
Thanks Dr. Leder, neurologist of the slightly psycho!
7/14/15
A Very Weird Day
This morning I awoke at daylight again. I sat up in bed and opened the blinds. The neighbor was in her backyard completely nude. She's not real pretty but she's got a smoking hot body. When I realized that she wasn't wearing anything, I shut the blinds because I'm sure she didn't realize that anyone could see her. There is a seven foot privacy fence around their backyard but my trailer window is just above it. I felt like an unintentional peeping Tom. She's probably about 25-30, much too young for me to be wanting.
I got dressed and went to get a glass of tea and noticed my chihuahua didn't greet me this morning. I got some caffeine and wandered around calling him. He was nowhere to be found. I got in the car and drove around to his usual places searching for him. No luck in the car, so I strolled down the street calling his name. I couldn't find him and was worried that Animal Control might have picked him up.
When I got back home, I heard his bark. I waddled across the yard and found him in the arms of the neighbor on their front steps. She was in a robe now and brought him to the edge of the yard telling me how cute he was. I said that he's got fleas and explained that he thinks he's Houdini. She handed him to me and shook her robe to shake off any fleas, showing me her exposed body again through the opening of her robe. That's when I realized that she doesn't mind anyone seeing her naked. I thanked her for returning Chongo and brought him home.
I started looking for how he had escaped, found the spot and patched it up. I went back in my trailer and checked email and facebook. I opened the blinds again and there she was, in all her glory without the robe again! I decided that if she enjoyed being on display, I don't mind seeing it, so I left the blinds open. I turn 51 today and appreciate seeing a nice little body without trying to jump her bones. Nice...and she doesn't even know it's my birthday!
I got dressed and went to get a glass of tea and noticed my chihuahua didn't greet me this morning. I got some caffeine and wandered around calling him. He was nowhere to be found. I got in the car and drove around to his usual places searching for him. No luck in the car, so I strolled down the street calling his name. I couldn't find him and was worried that Animal Control might have picked him up.
When I got back home, I heard his bark. I waddled across the yard and found him in the arms of the neighbor on their front steps. She was in a robe now and brought him to the edge of the yard telling me how cute he was. I said that he's got fleas and explained that he thinks he's Houdini. She handed him to me and shook her robe to shake off any fleas, showing me her exposed body again through the opening of her robe. That's when I realized that she doesn't mind anyone seeing her naked. I thanked her for returning Chongo and brought him home.
I started looking for how he had escaped, found the spot and patched it up. I went back in my trailer and checked email and facebook. I opened the blinds again and there she was, in all her glory without the robe again! I decided that if she enjoyed being on display, I don't mind seeing it, so I left the blinds open. I turn 51 today and appreciate seeing a nice little body without trying to jump her bones. Nice...and she doesn't even know it's my birthday!
7/7/15
My Outlet
My life changed on 8/10/2013. I got up in the middle of the night, drunken sleepwalking in an unfamiliar house and fell from the second floor down to the base of the stairs. I broke my left wrist, got a plate in my left elbow, broke
the ball off the top of my left thigh, split my skull open and two nine inch pins in
my hip. I was in a coma for five days and barely remember the hospital stay. I completely accept responsibility and blame nobody else.
Two years later, I'm disabled. I struggle just to waddle around the yard and some days, I'm not able to do much at all. Supporting my own weight with my left leg is always a challenge. On bad days, I am confined to my house camped out in front of my computer. If I'm on Facebook posting an unusual amount, I'm having a (physically) very painful day.
Since I rarely leave the house, the way I communicate with friends is generally on Facebook. I get about 5 phone calls per month from friends so I hardly get to talk to anyone except my sister and Mom. I've always been the type to speak my mind and always liked to talk. I don't have that option much anymore. Online communication is my only outlet.
If you don't like my personality online, you don't like me. What you see is what you get, I'm the same asshole in person. It's fine for someone to "unfriend" me on FB. If you don't like what I post, it's OK to remove me from your friends list. I know that I rant sometimes, especially when my body is hurting like hell. Forgive me if I ramble too much, it's how I get to talk to my friends.
Two years later, I'm disabled. I struggle just to waddle around the yard and some days, I'm not able to do much at all. Supporting my own weight with my left leg is always a challenge. On bad days, I am confined to my house camped out in front of my computer. If I'm on Facebook posting an unusual amount, I'm having a (physically) very painful day.
Since I rarely leave the house, the way I communicate with friends is generally on Facebook. I get about 5 phone calls per month from friends so I hardly get to talk to anyone except my sister and Mom. I've always been the type to speak my mind and always liked to talk. I don't have that option much anymore. Online communication is my only outlet.
If you don't like my personality online, you don't like me. What you see is what you get, I'm the same asshole in person. It's fine for someone to "unfriend" me on FB. If you don't like what I post, it's OK to remove me from your friends list. I know that I rant sometimes, especially when my body is hurting like hell. Forgive me if I ramble too much, it's how I get to talk to my friends.
7/2/15
STFU Already
The debate over the confederate battle flag has gone on too long. Nobody said that you will not be allowed to fly it. No, you can't fly it on Lincoln's tomb. Quit fucking whining about it. If you want to paint it on your car, go for it! I'll support and defend your right to do that.
I don't care if you call it heritage or southern pride, or even believe that the civil war was about northern aggression or fighting government tyranny. For nearly 100 years, (circa 1948) that flag was rarely even seen until Strom Thurmond and the Dixiecrat movement fought against desegregation. It was adopted by the KKK to represent white supremacy. People weren't flying the stars and bars to honor fallen heroes of the civil war, it was to show that they supported keeping the races separate.
If I see the confederate flag flown anywhere, I immediately assume that they don't like colored people. The reason I assume that, is because it's highly accurate. I understand that some people aren't old enough to remember it being a symbol of racism but I remember. Young people have seen it on The Dukes of Hazzard's General Lee...it wasn't used as a racist symbol anymore.
Look up the "cornerstone speech" if you think the civil war was about state rights. Read Texas' Ordinance of Succession if you still aren't convinced. During the civil rights movement, racists everywhere started flying that flag...not for fallen heroes but to display their racist feeling. If you are proud of that heritage, feel free to fly it. If I see it, it will only support my belief that racism lives on in America. Don't try to say that I'm ignorant of history when I know exactly what that flag meant.
I don't care if you call it heritage or southern pride, or even believe that the civil war was about northern aggression or fighting government tyranny. For nearly 100 years, (circa 1948) that flag was rarely even seen until Strom Thurmond and the Dixiecrat movement fought against desegregation. It was adopted by the KKK to represent white supremacy. People weren't flying the stars and bars to honor fallen heroes of the civil war, it was to show that they supported keeping the races separate.
If I see the confederate flag flown anywhere, I immediately assume that they don't like colored people. The reason I assume that, is because it's highly accurate. I understand that some people aren't old enough to remember it being a symbol of racism but I remember. Young people have seen it on The Dukes of Hazzard's General Lee...it wasn't used as a racist symbol anymore.
Look up the "cornerstone speech" if you think the civil war was about state rights. Read Texas' Ordinance of Succession if you still aren't convinced. During the civil rights movement, racists everywhere started flying that flag...not for fallen heroes but to display their racist feeling. If you are proud of that heritage, feel free to fly it. If I see it, it will only support my belief that racism lives on in America. Don't try to say that I'm ignorant of history when I know exactly what that flag meant.
6/24/15
Southern Pride? Nawww
I was born in the south, central Texas to be exact. I've seen confederate flags flown throughout my life. I always just considered it a symbol of southern pride, after all, it is included on several state flags. It seemed harmless to me.
Let's look back at the civil war. Some may argue that it was caused by state versus federal rights. No matter how you look at it, slavery was centrally the cause of the war. Confederates did not want to give up owning their laborers. Forced labor on other humans is just wrong.
150 years later, we still have people proudly flying the confederate flag. It's time to bury the symbol for slavery. It does represent hatred, just like flying a Nazi swastika. It's the 21st century and we still haven't gotten over hating an entire race or religion. We're all humans. Hating another human based on religion, skin color or political affiliation, seems like we would be beyond that by 2015. I'm disappointed to know that we haven't moved forward and gotten over prejudice yet. I wrote a paper in junior high about prejudice and unfortunately it still seems just as true today.
Personally, I don't hate a certain group. I enjoy exchanging ideas and knowledge with other cultures. I'm not perfect either, I've laughed at racial jokes but I like our differences. We're individuals! All white people are not like Hitler or even Reagan. Accordingly, all black people are not like Mandela or Al Sharpton.
My point is this: Symbols of hatred should not be accepted. Watch babies, they don't hate each other because they haven't learned to hate yet.
Let's look back at the civil war. Some may argue that it was caused by state versus federal rights. No matter how you look at it, slavery was centrally the cause of the war. Confederates did not want to give up owning their laborers. Forced labor on other humans is just wrong.
150 years later, we still have people proudly flying the confederate flag. It's time to bury the symbol for slavery. It does represent hatred, just like flying a Nazi swastika. It's the 21st century and we still haven't gotten over hating an entire race or religion. We're all humans. Hating another human based on religion, skin color or political affiliation, seems like we would be beyond that by 2015. I'm disappointed to know that we haven't moved forward and gotten over prejudice yet. I wrote a paper in junior high about prejudice and unfortunately it still seems just as true today.
Personally, I don't hate a certain group. I enjoy exchanging ideas and knowledge with other cultures. I'm not perfect either, I've laughed at racial jokes but I like our differences. We're individuals! All white people are not like Hitler or even Reagan. Accordingly, all black people are not like Mandela or Al Sharpton.
My point is this: Symbols of hatred should not be accepted. Watch babies, they don't hate each other because they haven't learned to hate yet.
6/21/15
Not More, Just Differently
Mom is under the impression that I loved Dad more than her. That isn't true, I love her just as much! It's like comparing apples to oranges, they are just completely different.
Pops was mild mannered, Mom is temperamental. He didn't relish confrontation whereas Mom does. Dad was a logical thinker, Mom is an emotional thinker. She wears her heart on her sleeve and Dad didn't. They weren't polar opposites.
I inherited more traits from her, we're similar in many ways. She gets angry almost instantly, holds a grudge indefinitely. She'll intentionally cause grief for a person or purposely hurt their feelings for no apparent reason. She's hard headed and likes to have things her way. You cannot win an argument with her because she will not listen to your views. She can be ruthless whenever she takes the notion. I think she's incapable of having a discussion because she's already made up her mind. If you've seen me stubborn and aggressive, now you know where I got it.
Yes, she has faults. She's not always right but she always thinks she is! I may not like her all the time but I do always love her. She's my mother, the only one I'll ever have. Even when we're fighting about something....I still love that old bat!
Pops was mild mannered, Mom is temperamental. He didn't relish confrontation whereas Mom does. Dad was a logical thinker, Mom is an emotional thinker. She wears her heart on her sleeve and Dad didn't. They weren't polar opposites.
I inherited more traits from her, we're similar in many ways. She gets angry almost instantly, holds a grudge indefinitely. She'll intentionally cause grief for a person or purposely hurt their feelings for no apparent reason. She's hard headed and likes to have things her way. You cannot win an argument with her because she will not listen to your views. She can be ruthless whenever she takes the notion. I think she's incapable of having a discussion because she's already made up her mind. If you've seen me stubborn and aggressive, now you know where I got it.
Yes, she has faults. She's not always right but she always thinks she is! I may not like her all the time but I do always love her. She's my mother, the only one I'll ever have. Even when we're fighting about something....I still love that old bat!
6/17/15
You Won't Be Young Forever
A good friend of mine has a daughter. I'll call her "Amy," who is a cute high school graduate (2014) that was popular in school. Amy is bright, funny, shy, kinda quiet and pleasant to be around. She didn't date much, stuck to the books, but she didn't get accepted into the college she wanted to attend. Amy was an average student and didn't win any scholarships so she had to find a job. She worked for a while at a florist shop, until her eighteenth birthday. She expected to be earning $50k a year as soon as she graduated high school. Amy got her chance.
Amy answered an ad on Craigslist to be a model. The ad promised a free one week trip to Florida posing for sports apparel. She sent a few pictures and got a response immediately. Amy packed her stuff and hopped on a free flight to Miami.
Upon arrival, there were a dozen girls staying in a house all trying for the same modeling job. It was a big fancy house with six bedrooms and a pool. The male "talent agent" occupied one room but the girls shared the rest of the house. Some of the girls had been there for a few weeks and they all seemed happy. Amy was informed that there were lots of modeling jobs by the other girls. After her first tryout for the sports apparel job, she was told that the gig paid $200, but if she was open to being topless, there was another job that paid $400. One of the girls told her that she was being paid $500 because she wasn't modest and would take nude photos.
After hearing how great they were treated and seeing models getting cash...She talked more with the talent agent. Her free week in Florida was almost over and someone else already filled the spot for the ports apparel gig. After 5 days, she had agreed to do a topless photo shoot.
They filled her head with compliments and told her that she could make big money doing porn movies. Amy decided that she liked the money and didn't mind the nudity. They moved her to another house that wasn't as elegant, less girls and the beds were mattresses on the floor. Being paid in cash, she suddenly had a few thousand dollars in her pockets all the time. Amy started off being treated like a princess on the set. Jobs quickly escalated into rougher and more degrading spots.
After just a few months she had made about $25,000 but she only had a few thousand left after clothing, rent and food costs. After just 3 months, she wasn't being offered jobs anymore because she wasn't a fresh face anymore. Amy decided to go back home.
Her parents were not happy about her decisions. They were glad that she returned and gave up trying to be a porn star. Her Dad was devastated when he learned what happened. Amy is starting over with a new normal job, dealing with people constantly who recognize her from her past mistakes. She didn't return covered in tattoos but she's still marked for the rest of her life. Hopefully, she can live a happy life.
I'm passing Amy's story along because she's a good kid with good parents that love her, but young people don't consider the consequences of their actions affecting them later in life. Avoid the heartache and talk with young people.
Amy answered an ad on Craigslist to be a model. The ad promised a free one week trip to Florida posing for sports apparel. She sent a few pictures and got a response immediately. Amy packed her stuff and hopped on a free flight to Miami.
Upon arrival, there were a dozen girls staying in a house all trying for the same modeling job. It was a big fancy house with six bedrooms and a pool. The male "talent agent" occupied one room but the girls shared the rest of the house. Some of the girls had been there for a few weeks and they all seemed happy. Amy was informed that there were lots of modeling jobs by the other girls. After her first tryout for the sports apparel job, she was told that the gig paid $200, but if she was open to being topless, there was another job that paid $400. One of the girls told her that she was being paid $500 because she wasn't modest and would take nude photos.
After hearing how great they were treated and seeing models getting cash...She talked more with the talent agent. Her free week in Florida was almost over and someone else already filled the spot for the ports apparel gig. After 5 days, she had agreed to do a topless photo shoot.
They filled her head with compliments and told her that she could make big money doing porn movies. Amy decided that she liked the money and didn't mind the nudity. They moved her to another house that wasn't as elegant, less girls and the beds were mattresses on the floor. Being paid in cash, she suddenly had a few thousand dollars in her pockets all the time. Amy started off being treated like a princess on the set. Jobs quickly escalated into rougher and more degrading spots.
After just a few months she had made about $25,000 but she only had a few thousand left after clothing, rent and food costs. After just 3 months, she wasn't being offered jobs anymore because she wasn't a fresh face anymore. Amy decided to go back home.
Her parents were not happy about her decisions. They were glad that she returned and gave up trying to be a porn star. Her Dad was devastated when he learned what happened. Amy is starting over with a new normal job, dealing with people constantly who recognize her from her past mistakes. She didn't return covered in tattoos but she's still marked for the rest of her life. Hopefully, she can live a happy life.
I'm passing Amy's story along because she's a good kid with good parents that love her, but young people don't consider the consequences of their actions affecting them later in life. Avoid the heartache and talk with young people.
5/11/15
Protest?
I understand protesting. Expressing disagreement or disappointment through words or actions. I'm unhappy with our country as well. I would even say extremely unhappy. However, this current "trend" of people walking on or stomping the flag is unacceptable and inexcusable.
I grew up in a time where children stood each school day, watched the flag being raised with their hands over their hearts and recited the pledge of allegiance. I also served in the military where once again, the flag was respected. Stop what you're doing, face the flag, salute it as it was raised or lowered. Each time I embarked/disembarked a ship, it was mandatory to face the flag and salute.
My grandfather had shrapnel in his back and leg that he got in Germany defending that flag. My father planned a career in the Navy until he lost his arm. My life was on the line each time I was on a flight deck or visiting foreign nations while in the military.
That flag might not mean much to you. It's a symbol of this nation. Disagreeing with leaders, situations or circumstances is no excuse for desecrating our flag. Freedom of speech is your right, you can say whatever you believe. Dragging the flag on the ground, walking on it, or even flying it improperly is enough cause that I would fight or perish defending it.
I regard that flag as the symbol of our Constitution, the men and women who have died in it's defense, the symbol of our forefathers, and also the symbol of the freedom that you enjoy. I swore that I would defend the Constitution against all enemies..foreign and DOMESTIC! If you disrespect our flag in my presence I WILL fuck you up! Fact, not fiction.
I grew up in a time where children stood each school day, watched the flag being raised with their hands over their hearts and recited the pledge of allegiance. I also served in the military where once again, the flag was respected. Stop what you're doing, face the flag, salute it as it was raised or lowered. Each time I embarked/disembarked a ship, it was mandatory to face the flag and salute.
My grandfather had shrapnel in his back and leg that he got in Germany defending that flag. My father planned a career in the Navy until he lost his arm. My life was on the line each time I was on a flight deck or visiting foreign nations while in the military.
That flag might not mean much to you. It's a symbol of this nation. Disagreeing with leaders, situations or circumstances is no excuse for desecrating our flag. Freedom of speech is your right, you can say whatever you believe. Dragging the flag on the ground, walking on it, or even flying it improperly is enough cause that I would fight or perish defending it.
I regard that flag as the symbol of our Constitution, the men and women who have died in it's defense, the symbol of our forefathers, and also the symbol of the freedom that you enjoy. I swore that I would defend the Constitution against all enemies..foreign and DOMESTIC! If you disrespect our flag in my presence I WILL fuck you up! Fact, not fiction.
4/16/15
Stupid
I've made some dumb decisions in my life...as most of us have. Some are unforgivable. We live life according to our ideas and sometimes they're not the smartest choices.
I've been with a few women that it shouldn't have happened. One that stands out to me is a woman I still wish we were together. She's much younger than me but we still have a love for each other. She moved on with her life and I'm glad for her.
The song "Red ragtop" hits home with me because I didn't know she aborted our child. I wasn't prepared to be a father again anyway and she's went on....married with children. We even met for a weekend together contemplating the consequences of us getting back together. We didn't do anything that would ruin her marriage....basically we kissed and cared about each other. I came to the conclusion that it wasn't worth wrecking her marriage just because we cared for each other. I love her with all my heart!
I won't say her name but I want her to know that she never leaves my mind. I guess I'll never stop loving you....psycho! :D
I've been with a few women that it shouldn't have happened. One that stands out to me is a woman I still wish we were together. She's much younger than me but we still have a love for each other. She moved on with her life and I'm glad for her.
The song "Red ragtop" hits home with me because I didn't know she aborted our child. I wasn't prepared to be a father again anyway and she's went on....married with children. We even met for a weekend together contemplating the consequences of us getting back together. We didn't do anything that would ruin her marriage....basically we kissed and cared about each other. I came to the conclusion that it wasn't worth wrecking her marriage just because we cared for each other. I love her with all my heart!
I won't say her name but I want her to know that she never leaves my mind. I guess I'll never stop loving you....psycho! :D
3/27/15
alias Herb Dean
Immediately following hurricane IKE, I became know as "Herb Dean" for several months. It's a long story, funny and true. Bear with me...
SETUP:
My friend Robert had his house sold and was supposed to close on the morning that IKE arrived, it didn't happen. He lived in a little coastal town called Bayou Vista. It's just 7 miles from Galveston island with a boat house on the canal connected to the gulf. During the storm, his house was flooded with around 8 feet of water. I had worked on Robert's house for a couple of years improving his house. It was actually the last job that Dad had worked on...He helped me lay the floors.
BACKGROUND:
After the hurricane, Robert and I worked diligently to try to get his house back to normal. We repaired the house...electrical and plumbing first. Inspections were required to have the water and electricity turned back on. At the time, city council members (aldermen) had fired the city inspector and refused to hire another. Work throughout the town stopped! We had repairs completed but couldn't get an inspection so most of the residents were sitting with no power or water for a few weeks. The Salvation Army brought a food truck and water supplies, they were great! Inspections had stopped and people needed repairs to go onward. Nobody seemed to know what to do. Bayou Vista had a very active message board with lots of angry residents that just wanted life to return to normal.
STORY:
I became an active participant on their message board, angered by the firing of the inspector in a time of crisis. Being an MMA fan, I used Herb Dean as my nickname...because he's the best referee, ever. After much bickering on the message board, I also took the nickname of one of the main culprits. He didn't bother with registering so I grabbed it. I rallied the residents to overthrow their takeover. There were three aldermen who had done some shady dealings and an election was coming up quick! I did everything I could to help remove those assholes.
DRAMA:
I became friends with the mayor, chief of police, other aldermen and lots of people in the city. They were all emailing me, asking for help. People became more respondent to my messages than city council meetings. I was buddies with twenty of the biggest blabbermouths in the city. Election day hit and we won big! All three aldermen were replaced.
CONCLUSION:
During their election, I made posts to the message board acting as Herb Dean reporting live from election headquarters. They were defeated by a large margin. Election night, they had a party at the community center and I was urged to be there. I showed up thirty minutes late, but I heard the crowd chanting HERB DEAN, HERB DEAN! as I approached. That was pretty fricking cool! While I was there, I got to meet the people who replaced the assholes and many people who considered me to be a revolutionary. The chief of police gave me his business card with the words "get out of jail free" handwritten on the back. Robert sold his house and I haven't been back...but it was good times!
SETUP:
My friend Robert had his house sold and was supposed to close on the morning that IKE arrived, it didn't happen. He lived in a little coastal town called Bayou Vista. It's just 7 miles from Galveston island with a boat house on the canal connected to the gulf. During the storm, his house was flooded with around 8 feet of water. I had worked on Robert's house for a couple of years improving his house. It was actually the last job that Dad had worked on...He helped me lay the floors.
BACKGROUND:
After the hurricane, Robert and I worked diligently to try to get his house back to normal. We repaired the house...electrical and plumbing first. Inspections were required to have the water and electricity turned back on. At the time, city council members (aldermen) had fired the city inspector and refused to hire another. Work throughout the town stopped! We had repairs completed but couldn't get an inspection so most of the residents were sitting with no power or water for a few weeks. The Salvation Army brought a food truck and water supplies, they were great! Inspections had stopped and people needed repairs to go onward. Nobody seemed to know what to do. Bayou Vista had a very active message board with lots of angry residents that just wanted life to return to normal.
STORY:
I became an active participant on their message board, angered by the firing of the inspector in a time of crisis. Being an MMA fan, I used Herb Dean as my nickname...because he's the best referee, ever. After much bickering on the message board, I also took the nickname of one of the main culprits. He didn't bother with registering so I grabbed it. I rallied the residents to overthrow their takeover. There were three aldermen who had done some shady dealings and an election was coming up quick! I did everything I could to help remove those assholes.
DRAMA:
I became friends with the mayor, chief of police, other aldermen and lots of people in the city. They were all emailing me, asking for help. People became more respondent to my messages than city council meetings. I was buddies with twenty of the biggest blabbermouths in the city. Election day hit and we won big! All three aldermen were replaced.
CONCLUSION:
During their election, I made posts to the message board acting as Herb Dean reporting live from election headquarters. They were defeated by a large margin. Election night, they had a party at the community center and I was urged to be there. I showed up thirty minutes late, but I heard the crowd chanting HERB DEAN, HERB DEAN! as I approached. That was pretty fricking cool! While I was there, I got to meet the people who replaced the assholes and many people who considered me to be a revolutionary. The chief of police gave me his business card with the words "get out of jail free" handwritten on the back. Robert sold his house and I haven't been back...but it was good times!
3/4/15
The List
Here is a list of food that I will not eat unless I'm starving to death.
Veggies:
Veggies:
- Onions - especially raw onion
- Spinach
- Greens - collard, mustard, turnip
- Asparagus
- Okra
- Eggplant
- leafy lettuce sucks
- Cabbage
- radishes
- pickled peppers
- Oysters
- uncooked meat
- boiled fish is awful
- Escargot
- Squid and octopus
- Mayo
- Mustard
- Ketchup
- horseradish
- sour cream
- Most Italian food sucks - especially alfredo sauce
- Mediterranean food
- Brains or hearts
- Scottish food
- Carolina style barbecue - vinegar based? really??
- Soggy bread
2/28/15
Spin
I'm amazed at how anyone can convince a group of people to oppose or support an idea by twisting their intentions to sound as if their intent is better for all. Net neutrality is a perfect example.
Net neutrality is a simple idea, to prevent service providers from filtering content. That is an absolute great idea. Telecoms and cable companies propose that they should be able to "prioritize" packets as they deem fit. Whoever pays more should have priority. It IS about the money. Net neutrality prevents someone from controlling what content that you are able to access. NN is about leaving the internet as it is now, free and open, not changing it!
Telecoms and cable providers have somehow spun the idea to make people believe that they are looking out for your interests. They don't want to be regulated, to be told that they cannot direct everyone to sites that reflect their views. Claiming that the "internet is now dead" is just a big lie. Their spin on the subject is to cause confusion, to rally others to fight big government and again...to blame Obama. They've turned their attention to the conservative movement to misinform people into believing that net neutrality is a power grab. It's exactly the opposite.
Corporations strive to become the biggest and most powerful constantly. It's our capitalist way! When they are able to seize total control and monopolize an industry, that's when it becomes unfair. If they are able to squash competitors and dictate price controls, that's when government regulation is actually in our interests. Standard Oil, Microsoft, Bell Telephone are all examples of corporations becoming too big and government had to intervene. Without competition, a monopoly is able to set astronomical prices, and they always do. Competition breeds innovation and guarantees fair pricing.
I don't believe that net neutrality is shady. I think the FCC has a pretty good track record of regulating radio, television and phones without a lot of intervention. They haven't formed the "radio police" or "TV police" so I don't think they will be implementing the "internet police!" Government isn't always a bad thing...after all, DARPA actually invented the internet and opened it to us all. GPS is another good example of government giving us all a useful tool.
I've read both sides of the argument and my conclusion isn't set in stone. At this point, I'm optimistic that net neutrality will guarantee that the net stays free and open. Over time, we'll see....
Net neutrality is a simple idea, to prevent service providers from filtering content. That is an absolute great idea. Telecoms and cable companies propose that they should be able to "prioritize" packets as they deem fit. Whoever pays more should have priority. It IS about the money. Net neutrality prevents someone from controlling what content that you are able to access. NN is about leaving the internet as it is now, free and open, not changing it!
Telecoms and cable providers have somehow spun the idea to make people believe that they are looking out for your interests. They don't want to be regulated, to be told that they cannot direct everyone to sites that reflect their views. Claiming that the "internet is now dead" is just a big lie. Their spin on the subject is to cause confusion, to rally others to fight big government and again...to blame Obama. They've turned their attention to the conservative movement to misinform people into believing that net neutrality is a power grab. It's exactly the opposite.
Corporations strive to become the biggest and most powerful constantly. It's our capitalist way! When they are able to seize total control and monopolize an industry, that's when it becomes unfair. If they are able to squash competitors and dictate price controls, that's when government regulation is actually in our interests. Standard Oil, Microsoft, Bell Telephone are all examples of corporations becoming too big and government had to intervene. Without competition, a monopoly is able to set astronomical prices, and they always do. Competition breeds innovation and guarantees fair pricing.
I don't believe that net neutrality is shady. I think the FCC has a pretty good track record of regulating radio, television and phones without a lot of intervention. They haven't formed the "radio police" or "TV police" so I don't think they will be implementing the "internet police!" Government isn't always a bad thing...after all, DARPA actually invented the internet and opened it to us all. GPS is another good example of government giving us all a useful tool.
I've read both sides of the argument and my conclusion isn't set in stone. At this point, I'm optimistic that net neutrality will guarantee that the net stays free and open. Over time, we'll see....
2/8/15
Watch What Happens When....
Sensational titles get traffic. People are completely stupid and fall for catchy titles all the time. "OMG! You will never believe what she did next!" "Click here to download your free diamonds!"
Click bait wastes time and money. They waste your data plans on mobile devices, waste your time loading all sorts of offers and infect your computers with the virus of the day. Falling for them doesn't make you an idiot...because they are designed to trap people. If an offer sounds too good to be true, IT IS!
Yesterday I heard my mother slamming her mouse on her desk, What's wrong? I asked. "My computer won't download these quilt patterns..." I glanced over her shoulder to see that she was on a nefarious site offering free quilt patterns with multiple DOWNLOAD buttons. All the buttons take you to different sites but nowhere to download those free quilting patterns. I understand her frustration but I cannot make her understand that just going to those sites infect her computer even with an anti-virus.
This is the sad state of the internet today. An average user simply cannot navigate the net without landing at a place designed to rip them off. There is definitely a need for a safe way to surf the net without infecting every device used.
Click bait wastes time and money. They waste your data plans on mobile devices, waste your time loading all sorts of offers and infect your computers with the virus of the day. Falling for them doesn't make you an idiot...because they are designed to trap people. If an offer sounds too good to be true, IT IS!
Yesterday I heard my mother slamming her mouse on her desk, What's wrong? I asked. "My computer won't download these quilt patterns..." I glanced over her shoulder to see that she was on a nefarious site offering free quilt patterns with multiple DOWNLOAD buttons. All the buttons take you to different sites but nowhere to download those free quilting patterns. I understand her frustration but I cannot make her understand that just going to those sites infect her computer even with an anti-virus.
This is the sad state of the internet today. An average user simply cannot navigate the net without landing at a place designed to rip them off. There is definitely a need for a safe way to surf the net without infecting every device used.
1/15/15
Anger Management
After all the irritations and annoyances that still well in my mind, A chuckle can make my day.
People that know me...can testify that when I'm angry I don't stop it for a long time. This evening, I've been really angry and didn't want to converse with anyone because I may bite their head off. So I sat silently in the kitchen barely able to hear the murmur of Mom and Becky talking. I couldn't hear anything they were saying but once in a while, Mom would laugh or chuckle and I realized that I've really missed hearing that. Just hearing her voice when she's tickled about something turned my night around. I'm not mad anymore, I'm fortunate to be around people I love...and they love me too.
Suddenly, I'm not so annoyed or irritated. I'm thankful!
People that know me...can testify that when I'm angry I don't stop it for a long time. This evening, I've been really angry and didn't want to converse with anyone because I may bite their head off. So I sat silently in the kitchen barely able to hear the murmur of Mom and Becky talking. I couldn't hear anything they were saying but once in a while, Mom would laugh or chuckle and I realized that I've really missed hearing that. Just hearing her voice when she's tickled about something turned my night around. I'm not mad anymore, I'm fortunate to be around people I love...and they love me too.
Suddenly, I'm not so annoyed or irritated. I'm thankful!
1/14/15
Donations Accepted
Quite frankly, I put the "donate" button on my page as a joke. It links to paypal and actually does work though. I don't feel too great asking for donations, but it's for a good cause.
My mother had a stroke on December 1, 2014. She's spent a month and a half in the hospital and nursing home. She was lucky because the stroke didn't affect her speech or ability to swallow food or drink. She's improving daily even though she has huge blood clots in both legs. She's a tough old gal!
Mom has spent the last 15 years helping other people, especially when they are near death. She's cared for people when everyone else has given up on them. She deserves to be cared for as well. I've remodeled her room for accessibility on a really tight budget. It isn't ideal, but it is the best I could do.
She'll be mad at me for asking for help. I'm generally able to find a way to handle the bills but her sudden illness has blindsided us. She does have health insurance but we still have to cover huge costs. I know that my friends are on budgets as well and I'm extremely grateful to those who have helped because I know they too are having a hard time.
My cousin Shari set up a GoFundMe site for donations that raised $650. Her and her husband Earl donated a big portion of it. Even small donations help! Michael, Desiree, Cathy and Gloria all contributed and we're thankful. Troy, Crystal, Mike and Drew all came and worked on the house to get it ready for Mom's return home. We weren't even sure that she would be able to come home...but she persevered.
Hopefully, we'll get through this setback quickly. I plan to work my butt off. Life will return to normal and I'll find a way to pay back the generosity of friends and family. I'm sincerely appreciative and overwhelmed. Thank you very much from deep in my heart!
My mother had a stroke on December 1, 2014. She's spent a month and a half in the hospital and nursing home. She was lucky because the stroke didn't affect her speech or ability to swallow food or drink. She's improving daily even though she has huge blood clots in both legs. She's a tough old gal!
Mom has spent the last 15 years helping other people, especially when they are near death. She's cared for people when everyone else has given up on them. She deserves to be cared for as well. I've remodeled her room for accessibility on a really tight budget. It isn't ideal, but it is the best I could do.
She'll be mad at me for asking for help. I'm generally able to find a way to handle the bills but her sudden illness has blindsided us. She does have health insurance but we still have to cover huge costs. I know that my friends are on budgets as well and I'm extremely grateful to those who have helped because I know they too are having a hard time.
My cousin Shari set up a GoFundMe site for donations that raised $650. Her and her husband Earl donated a big portion of it. Even small donations help! Michael, Desiree, Cathy and Gloria all contributed and we're thankful. Troy, Crystal, Mike and Drew all came and worked on the house to get it ready for Mom's return home. We weren't even sure that she would be able to come home...but she persevered.
Hopefully, we'll get through this setback quickly. I plan to work my butt off. Life will return to normal and I'll find a way to pay back the generosity of friends and family. I'm sincerely appreciative and overwhelmed. Thank you very much from deep in my heart!
1/11/15
Cash or Credit?
There are two routes you can take in life. Pay cash for everything OR pay with credit. Relying on credit entails building a credit score and payments. They're basically the same thing but one costs you more money but you get things faster.
Being young, you want everything you can get as fast as you can get it, even if it's going to cost you three times as much. Lease cars, Rent houses...it's all on payments, Forever! You don't actually own anything, it's all mortgaged. Lose your job, lose everything.
You also have the option of working hard, saving and buying things out right. You don't get them immediately, but it's much less expensive. Lose your job when you own your car or house...you can sell them if you need to. They're yours! Maintenance and taxes are the only downfall. Work your ass off, get some property and some asshole is going to try to tax it away from you.
Wake up, there is no American dream...even if you own something, they're going to tax you so you still have a payment. If you work your ass off, buy an empty property and build a shack to live in, they're going to say it's worth double the amount you paid and tax you based on their opinion. You're gonna get screwed either way.
You never really own anything without paying someone else, even after you supposedly OWN it. They'll make you insure it, licensing or prohibit it with codes. Someone always has their hand out expecting to be paid. Buy transportation and see what happens. Amish people have to pay for license tags on buggies, just to go from one place to another.
Yes, you may own something. Transfer it to someone else...it's gonna cost ya. Even dying, they're going to charge somebody for ownership!
Being young, you want everything you can get as fast as you can get it, even if it's going to cost you three times as much. Lease cars, Rent houses...it's all on payments, Forever! You don't actually own anything, it's all mortgaged. Lose your job, lose everything.
You also have the option of working hard, saving and buying things out right. You don't get them immediately, but it's much less expensive. Lose your job when you own your car or house...you can sell them if you need to. They're yours! Maintenance and taxes are the only downfall. Work your ass off, get some property and some asshole is going to try to tax it away from you.
Wake up, there is no American dream...even if you own something, they're going to tax you so you still have a payment. If you work your ass off, buy an empty property and build a shack to live in, they're going to say it's worth double the amount you paid and tax you based on their opinion. You're gonna get screwed either way.
You never really own anything without paying someone else, even after you supposedly OWN it. They'll make you insure it, licensing or prohibit it with codes. Someone always has their hand out expecting to be paid. Buy transportation and see what happens. Amish people have to pay for license tags on buggies, just to go from one place to another.
Yes, you may own something. Transfer it to someone else...it's gonna cost ya. Even dying, they're going to charge somebody for ownership!
1/9/15
Inconsideration....Pisses Me Off!
We have a teapot, so we boil and steep our tea. Pour up your tea and leave the tea bag in the pot and don't bother to rinse it out for the next person to clean up??...inconsiderate. Leave laundry piled all over the top of the dryer??...inconsiderate. Leave gates unlocked or lights on??...inconsiderate. Living in your own little world and never thinking of consequences to others??...fucking inconsiderate!
I'm tired of it, ready to live on my own again without the hassles or inconsideration of others.
I'm tired of it, ready to live on my own again without the hassles or inconsideration of others.
1/4/15
How Have I Lived This Long?
When I was a teenager, I ran around with a friend named James Gangloff. I called him Jimmy but lots of folks called him Crusher. He was a big husky kid who didn't mind fighting should the need arise. In fact, I met him in junior high when he grabbed my friend Aric and picked him up in a bearhug from behind and was squeezing Aric's guts out. Aric told me to "Hit him!" so I swung and Jimmy put Aric between us and I knocked the shit out of my friend! Aric crumpled and Jimmy thought it was hilarious. A couple of years went by and Jimmy and I took "Auto Mechanics" class together. That's when we became friends too.
Anyway, Jimmy had an old Chevy Nova, I think it was a '71-72. We rode around in that car a lot and I knew that Jimmy's brakes always pulled toward the passenger side. When he had to brake hard, it always wanted to go to the right. We worked on our cars all the time, and we drove kinda crazy with all our friends.
Jimmy showed up at my house and showed me his new steering wheel he had bought and installed. He didn't completely install the steering wheel because he didn't have it all together yet. No horn button, steering wheel on the splines with just a nut on it. We went and picked up another friend, Mike Cast, and headed to Temple to go cruising 57th street.
We're driving along on the highway and Jimmy yanks the steering wheel off while we're doing about 60, hands it to me...and says " Here, You drive!" Mike and I flipped out getting it back to him! He popped it right back on the splines and kept right on motoring down the road. Had he needed to touch his brakes, we would have flipped for sure. Did I mention that I ran around with some crazy bastards?
Anyway, Jimmy had an old Chevy Nova, I think it was a '71-72. We rode around in that car a lot and I knew that Jimmy's brakes always pulled toward the passenger side. When he had to brake hard, it always wanted to go to the right. We worked on our cars all the time, and we drove kinda crazy with all our friends.
Jimmy showed up at my house and showed me his new steering wheel he had bought and installed. He didn't completely install the steering wheel because he didn't have it all together yet. No horn button, steering wheel on the splines with just a nut on it. We went and picked up another friend, Mike Cast, and headed to Temple to go cruising 57th street.
We're driving along on the highway and Jimmy yanks the steering wheel off while we're doing about 60, hands it to me...and says " Here, You drive!" Mike and I flipped out getting it back to him! He popped it right back on the splines and kept right on motoring down the road. Had he needed to touch his brakes, we would have flipped for sure. Did I mention that I ran around with some crazy bastards?
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